What to Expect
When someone you know is dealing with the death of a loved one, you will probably have a strong desire to be of support. You may also experience some strong emotions that are often associated with grief and loss, such as sadness. Although you may not be sure what to say, you will probably reach out and let them know you are sorry for their loss and try to offer some words or actions of support.
When someone you know or care about loses someone they love to suicide, you will probably want to be of support, but also feel very worried about what to say or do. You may notice that you avoid them or avoid being around them for too long.
On the other hand, you may find yourself asking questions, since you are also experiencing some of the grief-associated emotions and it is normal to want to make sense of things. Unfortunately, the reality is that people die by suicide - often, it is unexpected, such as when mental health professionals or public/notable figures die by suicide.
Let’s go over three things: how to approach someone bereaved by suicide, what you can say or do, and what may not be helpful.
The “Three” Approach
Consider Your Approach
Keep the Focus on Them and Their Feelings.
No matter how well-meaning, if you start talking about your own loss, it can be experienced as invalidating, especially if the bereaved has yet to discuss how they feel. They may become concerned about you and worry about burdening you, rather than focus on their own emotional needs. Or, they may think you aren’t interested in listening. If you notice a need to share how you are feeling, find someone else to share your feelings with.
Reflect on What You Are About to Say or Do.
How are you feeling? Who will it really help? You may not realize it, but your comment or question may only serve to reduce your discomfort or satisfy your curiosity. While there is nothing inherently wrong with curiosity or wanting to be more comfortable, this may not be helpful to the bereaved at this time.
Be aware of your own beliefs about suicide, your biases, and the impact of stigma. Be aware that avoiding words like “suicide” can make people feel like it is not okay to talk about. Would you feel as uncomfortable or avoid using the words “cancer” or “pneumonia” when talking to someone else about a death? Avoid saying things like, “You can’t think that way.” or “That’s not true.” Try paraphrasing. For example...
Bereaved Person: “I just feel so guilty… like I should have known or seen something and maybe could have done something.”
Listener: “You’re experiencing guilt feelings.” “You keep going over things in your head and it’s hard to make sense of them. You wish there was something you could have done to prevent her death/suicide.” OR
“You’re experiencing guilt feelings.” “You keep going over things in your head and it’s hard to make sense of them. You wish there was something you could have done to prevent her death/suicide.”
Do’s: How To Help Someone Cope With A Death By Suicide
Offer Acknowledgement & Let Them Know They Have Your Support.
You can acknowledge the loss and pain: “I can see/I know this is very painful for you.” or “I know this is a very difficult time and death by suicide is often stigmatized.”
This can go a long way in validating someone’s feelings. You can also offer wishes of comfort for them: “I am thinking of you.” or “I am wishing you (or praying for, if they are religious), for comfort.”
Share A Positive Memory Or Thought Of The Deceased.
You can share a brief positive thought about the deceased: “I know this is very painful for you. I remember _____ fondly - especially her kindness and generosity.”
Listen, Without Expectations Or Judgments.
You can tell them that you are available to listen or just be with them: “I know ____’s death must be difficult to talk about, but I am available to listen or just be in the same room/house with you, without questions or pressure of any kind.”
You can say: “I want to hear your thoughts and feelings.” You can support their sharing by using phrases like, “Tell me more” or “Thank you for sharing this with me.”
Practical Support - Tell Them (if you are actually available)
Tell them if you are available to assist with errands, childcare, helping them make calls, or whatever else you can actually do and they might need. Be specific.
If you don’t know what they need help with, ask them; however, you must be specific: “I know you have a lot on your plate right now. What things do you need to get done in the next few days?”
You can also ask them a general question about how you can be of support. However, you should be prepared for the person not to be sure or to be so overwhelmed that they can’t really answer the question. In that case, you may say something like: “You may have many things to do right now and I know this is a very difficult time. If it is okay with you, I would like to assist you with or offer __________. “ or “I know this is a difficult time - do you have any help with _________ right now? I can help.”
Note: If you offer to do something, do it. They may be counting on you and may not have the energy to figure it out or make other arrangements.
Initiate Check-Ins.
They may not call you or reach out. They may not even hear your voicemail or text message. Try again. They may be quite disoriented or overwhelmed and unable to organize themselves or initiate a return of calls/emails/texts.
Gift A Note, Card, Or Other Meaningful Token or Gift.
Sometimes these things are of support after the visitors and calls stop. You can even send them/give them at a later time. These can be of support during loss anniversaries as well.
Express/Ask About Concerns.
If you are genuinely concerned about their immediate well being, ask them directly and assist them with getting more help, if needed. For example: “I am worried about you. I know this is a really hard time for you. Have you been having any thoughts of hurting yourself or ending your life?”
Don’ts: What NOT to Say or Do When Someone Dies By Suicide
Unless the grieving person begins to disclose, avoid intrusive questions or comments. Follow their lead - they may wish to talk about some of these things and your role is to listen with curiosity. While your thoughts, comments, and feelings may be common or expected, they may not be helpful.
Do Not Ask For Details About the Actual Suicide Behavior.
Instead, try something like… “I know talking about his suicide must be difficult, but when you want to talk about any of the details or specifics, I can listen.”
Do Not Place Blame or Offer Your Own Sense-making Questions or Statements.
For example, don’t say things like… “Did you see any warning signs? Were you getting her help? Did you know they were depressed? Maybe they needed a different medication or maybe they didn’t take their medication. The devil did this. It was their doctor’s fault for not noticing. Their boyfriend drove them to this.” Instead, try something like… “It’s hard to make sense of unexpected things like suicide.”
Avoid Offering Unsolicited Religious/Spiritual Commentary Not Shared By Them Right NOW; When People Die, Spiritual Conflicts May Arise.
Instead, try, “I am here to listen to any thoughts you may have or join you in whatever might bring you comfort.”
Do Not Use Judgmental or Judgment Language about Suicide.
Instead, try something like… “I know stigma can make it hard to talk about death by suicide and people have different opinions about it. I’m here to listen to your thoughts.”
Take away
Reflect, focus on them, and be non-judgmental.
If you found this helpful, share with someone who needs it.
Be well,
Dr. J