A Common Worry.
Most people experience some degree of concern or anxiety about reading the eulogy to the audience. You may wonder if the eulogy is “good enough.” You might worry about having forgotten to mention something or (worse yet) someone important.
Of all the worries you may experience, the most common one seems to be worrying about crying while reading the eulogy. This is what we’ll explore in this blog post. Below are three thoughts that might be leading you to worry about crying and reading the eulogy. Read on for our tips on how to deal with them.
Fear of Failure.
Fear of failing to finish reading the eulogy is one of the top reasons people worry about crying during the eulogy. In this case, you recognize the emotions that reading the eulogy may bring up for you, including significant emotional pain and distress. Thoughts may include things like:
“If I cry during the eulogy, I’ll have failed them (the deceased).”
“If I don’t get through the eulogy, I’ll disappoint or embarrass them or the audience.”
“People will probably think I’m so weak or dramatic or selfish.”
“I should be strong enough to get through the eulogy without crying.”
“This is what a good daughter/father/sibling/etc should do.”
How to Work with Fear of Failure
Acknowledge that it is possible that you will have difficulty reading through the eulogy - it’s common to become emotional during a eulogy reading!
Recognize that adding a lot of mental pressure to perform can actually lead to more heightened emotions and more difficulty performing. Consider allowing yourself a planned one or two moments/pauses during the eulogy reading (have them written into the eulogy) to gather yourself. In other words, plan for crying and take the pressure off! You can pause and then continue.
Evaluate and challenge your thoughts. You can ask yourself questions like… Is this thought a fact? Is it 100% true? What is the evidence for it? Against it? Would I say these things to my best friend if they were in my situation? For example, how do you know that people will think you are weak or dramatic? Is it possible people might think something else? What other possibilities are there?
Prepare in advance and be creative.
Practice reading the eulogy in front of a mirror and then in front of a friend or family member
Have a plan for coping with emotional distress before, during, and after. For example, you might plan to do a breathing exercise before the reading of the eulogy. Or perhaps you can have a grounding object in your hand.
Ask yourself… What is the worst that could happen? And then plan for it. In other words, if you think it is possible that you can’t get through the eulogy even with deep breaths, practice, etc, you can opt to pre-record the eulogy, have someone else read it, or having someone read a part of it or be ready to take over, if need be.
Discomfort with Being Vulnerable.
This is something that many folks struggle with, especially if there will be more than a few people in attendance. Crying in front of others (and especially if you worry about “ugly” crying) can be extremely uncomfortable for many of us. Doing so while standing up in front of a group of people can make it even worse.
How to Work with Discomfort with Being Vulnerable.
Remind yourself that it’s okay if you feel uncomfortable. You don’t have to try to force yourself to be comfortable.
Decide if you are willing to embrace and tolerate that discomfort. If you aren’t, that’s okay too. In that case, you may wish to ask someone else to read the eulogy you wrote or you can pre-record it.
If you are willing to embrace it (or at least tolerate it) for the sake of reading the eulogy,
Practice the eulogy in front of DIFFERENT people, if possible, including people you don’t usually share your feelings with.
Practice engaging in radical acceptance in terms of your discomfort. Try imagining yourself as the driver of a bus. At each stop, you pick up a passenger (an emotion). As the passenger enters the bus, you nod and acknowledge their presence - maybe you even say hello or wave. Some of the passengers are pleasant, but some are very unpleasant. Nonetheless, as soon as they get on the bus and you acknowledge them, you get your eyes back on the road and continue driving. They are still there, on the bus with you. You haven’t kicked them out because they are unpleasant. You haven’t engaged. They are simply there, along for the ride.
Cultural, Gender, or Family Beliefs about Crying as Weakness
Some societies or cultures value displays of emotions during a eulogy reading or funeral. And some don’t. In addition to that, there are general societal “rules” or expectations about crying in general that are based on gender roles, military status, family beliefs and attitudes, etc. In some cases, males are considered “weak” if they cry. Similarly, in some communities, if you are a military person, crying may not be seen as “permissible.”
How to Work with Beliefs about Crying as Weakness
Crying is a normal human behavior. Repeat that to yourself until it really sinks in. Crying is as normal as eating. It is the way our bodies physiologically process certain emotional experiences (happy tears, sad tears, scared tears), just like our bodies process our food.
Decide if you want to stick with this belief. If you do, that’s okay too. You can try pre-recording the eulogy, ask someone else to read it, or practice until you don’t cry while reading it. That’s a lot of work! So, if you decide you want to explore those beliefs a bit more, let’s go to number 3.
Ask yourself:
“Does crying during a eulogy REALLY mean I am weak? In what other ways do I demonstrate my strength?”
“Does this expectation apply to funerals as well?”
“What is the worst that could happen if I cry?
“Is it possible that I’m strong just for challenging myself to do this, even if I cry?”
Wrap Up.
We may be worried about crying during the eulogy reading for many different reasons. Sometimes if we dig deep and get creative, we can find some solutions for some of our most pressing challenges. So take a moment and think about yourself and what’s leading you to worry about crying while delivering the eulogy. Decide how you want to approach these concerns. And, if you decide to deliver the eulogy, the next few tips may help you, no matter the reasons for your worry.
Tip 1: Be sure to have some water with you AND take pauses to take a few sips of water throughout. This will shift your focus to something physical, rather than emotional. Think of your emotions as a thermometer. You don’t want the emotional temperature to be too high or too low. Having a sip of water can help you with that.
Tip 2: Acknowledge your emotions at the beginning of the eulogy and/or throughout. Tell people about the “pink elephant” in the room. You can say something like, “Hello. I will be reading the eulogy. I am feeling emotional right now, but I will do the best I can to read the eulogy.” Sometimes just acknowledging how we feel can temper the emotions and keep the “emotional temperature” at a more tolerable level.
Tip 3: Consider having something to fidget with in your hand. Then, when you notice your emotional temperature rising, pay mental attention to the item in your hand. How does it feel? Is it smooth or sharp? Hard or soft? Share your attention with both your emotions and the physical item you are holding. You can also do that when you pause to take a sip of water - noticing the temperature of the water, etc.
Our hope is that you found these ideas helpful. If so, please give us a like or share on social media.
Wishing you comfort.
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