The Challenge
There seem to be two main concerns when delivering a eulogy (a.ka. funeral speech).
The first is whether the eulogy itself is any good. The second is the delivery of the eulogy - we worry about whether we will be able to keep our composure or do a good job of delivering the eulogy.
To address these challenges, I suggest breaking it down into three phases: prep, delivery, and self-care (PDS).
1. PREPARATION
Develop a Plan.
While this may be an emotionally overwhelming time, you will find it very helpful to have a plan for what you will say and have it written down. You need to write down your plan. You can type it out, write it out by hand, or audio/video record it.
Whatever you do, make sure you can read your own handwriting or access the document(s) easily. If using electronic devices, be sure to download what you need so that you don’t have to rely on wi-fi. Send a copy to someone as a backup. Plan to bring your glasses if you need them. If attendees might be fluent in an additional language, consider whether you want someone to translate for you.
For the plan, you can choose to use:
An outline
Keywords or cue words
Full script or detailed plan
Create the Eulogy.
Decide on the length. You’ll find that the recommended word count is about 1,000 words. This usually takes about 7 minutes to deliver. This is a very reasonable goal. However, I am an advocate for folks doing whatever they deem best. With that said, as with any activity, people’s attention span can be limited, so you’ll want to make sure it isn’t too long.
Decide who will be involved in crafting the eulogy. Sometimes one person writes the eulogy. Other times, 2+ people are involved. If you come from a collectivist culture, you will likely prefer to have others involved.
Be prepared for people to have different opinions about who should be doing what; feelings are often easily hurt during emotionally overwhelming or vulnerable times.
Sometimes working with several others on a eulogy can become very stressful. If that is the case, you may want to devise a plan for everyone to contribute in some way. For example, you may choose to have each person share a thought, a quote, a personality trait, or memory that you can incorporate into the eulogy.
Otherwise, you may just choose to sit down together and share memories and other thoughts that you jot down and consider using for the eulogy.
Decide on the tone, style, and structure. You will find many eulogy templates and guides online. You may want to review them and decide on a tone and style. On the other hand, you may want to create your own style.
I recommend that you use a style that the audience can connect with, but that you also consider your own style and the deceased’s preferences (if any). For example, if you are naturally a storyteller, you may wish to use a style that involves more storytelling. If you or the deceased have been known for your use of humor, you may want to make that a prominent part of your eulogy, even if within a more traditional structure.
Below are a few ideas/concepts that you can use to develop your eulogy structure.
Memory people may share that captures the essence of the deceased
Memory between just you and the deceased
Funny story that demonstrates their personal characteristics
Quote or passage that reflects how they lived their life, how they viewed life, or how you view this loss
A brief summary of their childhood and adulthood and notable moments
Summary of their life accomplishments and contributions
Description of their passions
Description of their life’s work
A short but comprehensive biography of their life
Incorporation of any of the deceased’s spiritual, cultural, or other beliefs.
Practice, Practice, Practice.
Taking the time to practice the eulogy is extremely important. This will help in several ways.
First, it will give you the opportunity to identify any typos or errors that need to be corrected or clarified. Second, it will allow you to become more comfortable with the material, especially if some of it isn’t yours. Third, it will allow you to become aware of any parts of the eulogy that you might experience as very emotionally overwhelming.
This way, you can decide how you want to approach it. You may even find that after practicing it multiple times, your emotions are somewhat less intense or more manageable during the eulogy reading. Choose a trusted friend or family member, a therapist, or a eulogy coach to help you prepare to give the eulogy. You can even video or audio record yourself and be your own coach.
Create a Coping Plan.
There will likely be lots of worry thoughts running through your mind, as well as overwhelming emotions. You need to have a plan for how you want to approach these.
For example, you may find that you are having anxious thoughts about whether the eulogy is “good enough.” You can challenge yourself to have more realistic thoughts, like reminding yourself that there is no such thing as a “perfect” eulogy and that you have done the best you can, under the current circumstances.
You may also be feeling very emotional and notice you have difficulty getting through the eulogy. You can opt to practice accepting this as a natural part of this experience for you and be okay with having to pause during the eulogy to compose yourself.
If you prefer a different approach, you may wish to establish a mantra (I use one I learned from Joan Halifax), a phrase, or breathing exercise that you can employ immediately before reading the eulogy and that you know helps center you, even when you are highly distressed.
You can also use a grounding strategy, such as holding something in your hand that you can focus on before (and somewhat during) the eulogy delivery. You can even have a funny thought or memory you can think about when you notice the intensity of your emotions is increasing.
If you don’t already have a go-to strategy, you will need to find one and practice, practice, practice. Be sure to write down your coping plan. We humans tend to have a tough time making decisions and remembering things when we are distressed.
2. DELIVERY
Take a few minutes to be with yourself.
You can step outside, go to the restroom, or go sit in the car. Become aware of your thoughts and emotions. Implement your coping skills.
Either replace unhelpful thoughts with more helpful ones or simply notice that they are there without necessarily believing them. Use your mantra, breathing exercise, or whatever else you have chosen to help you with the intensity of your emotions. Consider having a glass of cold water nearby (the cold sensation itself can help with emotional intensity).
Backup Plan (if you hit a roadblock or get stuck). Even with all of this planning and preparation, you may still find yourself struggling with getting through the eulogy. This happens. It is normal. People will understand. Consider using the following tips (again, write them down and have them with you):
It’s okay to pause and allow for silence or crying (from you or the audience)
You may notice a rush of thoughts and feelings. You can acknowledge them and summarize them out loud or to yourself - for example, you might find yourself saying, “this is more overwhelming than I thought.”
Practice your breathing, mantra, or another strategy. Have a sip of water.
Know that you do not need to apologize to the audience. They get it. Authenticity makes things especially meaningful and moving.
3. SELF-CARE
Be Kind to Yourself. Composing and/or delivering a eulogy can be emotionally taxing. We know the mind and body work together, so you will probably feel physically exhausted as well. Do your best to take some time to take care of yourself. Have a cup of tea, have a snack, talk to a trusted friend, or take a nap - whatever might help refresh you a bit.
Takeaways
Preparation is Key.
This is probably the most essential part. Be sure to allow for time to do it and to ask for help or support. You don’t need to do it alone. A friend, therapist, or eulogy coach can help you.
Beyond the Writing.
The written product is an important part of the eulogy process. However, preparing emotionally is equally important, especially if you think you may have a tough time delivering it.
Coping Skills Plan (in writing).
We are all so different. What works for you may not work for me all the time. It is important to get to know yourself and select strategies that work for you. There are many online resources to help you with coping skills for managing intense emotions. Many are mindfulness-based and become increasingly helpful with practice.
You can do this.
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Wishing you comfort.